There are so many thoughts in my head this morning. So many things I could write about. But there is this voice shouting with pleasure “I am not ashamed!” There is peace and stillness within me around that voice. Within the realization that it is true, I am not ashamed.
I am not ashamed I am co-owner of an erotica site. I am not ashamed to share my living journal with the world. I am not ashamed that I went to a BDSM party this weekend and watched my friend get railed by a woman with a strap on while blindfolded and handcuffed on a swing.
I feel no different toward her or me. My judgement is non-existent for those that participated and watched. I’m not ashamed that my legs were spread and my partner fingered me as we watched.
Why is this I wonder? I don’t know. I spent my life ashamed. Even as a child I was ashamed of the person I was from the surface to the very core of my being. Taught to be ashamed of the way I stood and talked and laughed and cried. Ashamed that I had sex; that I wanted sex. I was ashamed of desiring touch, sexual and non-sexual. So ashamed of so much.
Was there a part of me I wasn’t ashamed of? I do not think so.
Saturday was my 45 birthday, and it was certainly the best of my life. One, because my best friend loves on me so well and made sure I received all that would bless me on that day. But also, because I have come to a place of being unashamed.
As I consider that, I find interesting thoughts pop into my mind. I have grown non-judgmental over the last two years. I spent my life judging and I have found it so freeing to let down those walls and judgments and instead remain curious and understanding. I have always cared for people, but this place of non-judgement has endeared others to me in an entirely new way.
Most surprising of all is that it has in turn broken down the walls of self-judgment. I am now free to consider and explore. Within that exploration I am understanding me. I thought I knew me and I’m seeing how little understanding of myself I had access to. The more I judged me, the more I judged you.
Exploring sexually in a safe and accepting environment has been pleasuring and delightful. It brings up all my fears and insecurities that are still there. It brings up all my sadness and anger as I become more involved emotionally with a partner. It’s bringing so much to light that I have held hidden within the darkness. And within the darkness there is no light to heal.
I do believe there is sickness and people preying on one another in all places and the BDSM community is no different. There are predators and prey everywhere and without healing we are subject to becoming one of them. But with a solid mix of healing and walls of judgement breaking down there is a freedom and delight both in myself and others that I’m finding within this community. A place to grow and be and live and relax on all levels in a world full of stress and anger and sadness.
It is so important when exploring myself in any way that I stay vigilant in my inner world. That I constantly assess what I am feeling and what my true limits and desires are. If I had entered this experience within my insecurities, I may have left ashamed. Engaging in things to please others that go against my true desires. Oh, but the freedom and power that comes in being able to explore safely within my own boundaries. Knowing myself and caring for myself along the way.
I do look forward to writing about the dynamic between a Dom and a Sub. The femininity and masculinity that can be released create a dynamic that is untouchable. Both people are secure and cared for and both in control and accessing a power over their lives that may never have been experienced before.
I look forward to continuing this journey and I am so very grateful for all the experiences I am having.
Until Next Time,
Jill
